Conversation Tips for PNMs: What to Say, How to Listen, and What to Skip

Recruitment conversations are short, fast-moving, and more learnable than you think. Here's how to answer questions well, listen actively, recover from awkward moments, and avoid the mistakes that get PNMs cut.

Updated June 8, 2026

From our Sorority Recruitment Guide.

In this post: How to Talk About Yourself | Body Language and Presence | How to Ask Good Questions | How to Listen | Recovering from Awkward Moments | What Not to Say (Beyond the 5 B's) | A Note on Pref Round

 

Sorority recruitment conversations are short, fast-moving, and carry more weight than most social interactions you've had before. It makes sense to be nervous—and the good news is that most of this is learnable.

Sorority recruiters are paying attention to who you are, what you care about, and how you'd contribute as a member—and they're forming those impressions quickly. That doesn't mean you need to perform or deliver a perfect pitch. It means the more uniquely you you are, the easier you make it for someone to remember you when it matters.

You'll meet two to four members per round, and you should aim to have different conversations with each one. Early rounds are shorter and lighter. As recruitment progresses, the windows get longer and the conversations go deeper. This post covers the practical skills that apply across all of it: how to answer questions well, how to listen, what to do with your body, how to recover when something goes sideways, and what to avoid.

 

How to Talk About Yourself

Some version of the same questions comes up in almost every round. Here are a few you should be ready for—not with scripted answers, but with enough thought behind them to spark a conversation. Practice answering them and think about the message you send with your answers. Your goal is for every answer to make a recruiter want to invite you back.

What's your major?

"Biology" is a fact. "Biology—I got really into epidemiology after volunteering at a free clinic in high school" is a conversation starter. One gives your recruiter nothing to follow up on and the other opens the door.

Where are you from?

Same idea. "Dallas" is a location. "Dallas, but I spent every summer on my grandparents' farm in Oklahoma, so I'm kind of a hybrid" is a detail someone might remember later.

Why did you choose this school?

Don't default to "I loved the campus." What particular aspect made you commit? This is a great opportunity to share an interest, talent, or strength. The research program? A professor you met on a visit? If your real answer is "My boyfriend goes here", come up with something that says more about YOU.

Why do you want to join a sorority?

This one can be hard to make personal when the real answer is "I want to make friends" or "my mom was in one." Those aren't bad reasons—but they don't give your recruiter much to work with. Think about what actually appeals to you. The accountability structure? Why? The philanthropy? Why? Having a built-in community as a first-year? Why? If your mom was in a sorority, say that—but be specific about what you saw in her experience that made you want it for yourself.

The pattern across all of these: one honest detail turns a flat answer into something your recruiter can follow up on and remember.

Beyond answering the obvious questions, a few dos and don'ts apply to any recruitment conversation.

Do:

• Talk about what excites you. Projects you've led, dreams you're working toward, role models who shaped how you think about service or leadership, a challenge you took on that taught you something. These don't need to be resume-level accomplishments. They just need to be true and specific enough that a recruiter walks away thinking, "She's the one who learned ASL with her uncle" rather than having a vague positive impression that blurs with everyone else. Distinct details stick better than polished generalities.
• Show your values through examples, not declarations. Instead of stating what kind of person you are, tell a quick story that shows it. Let your recruiter connect the dots—she will.
• Do your homework. Most chapters list their philanthropy and values in the recruitment guide you receive before the week starts. You don't need to memorize details about every chapter on campus, but glancing at the basics before you walk in means you won't spend valuable conversation time on things you could have looked up. It also shows you care—and frees you up to ask better questions.
• Be ready for follow-ups. Your first answer to a question is just the opening. Recruiters will often dig deeper—"What did you learn from that?" or "How did that change things for you?"—and that's where the real impression gets made. If you've only thought about your surface-level answer, you'll scramble when the follow-up comes. Before recruitment, think one layer past your go-to stories. What did the experience teach you? What would you do differently?
• Stay positive, even if it's not your favorite house. You don't know how the process will unfold, and every conversation is a chance to make a strong impression.

Don't:

• Monologue. Give your recruiter room to follow up. A good answer opens a door—it doesn't fill the whole room. If you've been talking for more than 30 seconds without a pause, you're probably going too long.
• Sound canned. You can prepare without sounding rehearsed. Know your stories, but tell them like you're talking to a friend. And if you're nervous, it's OK to say so—recruiters will respond to that with warmth, not judgment. Vulnerability makes you relatable.
• Flex or name-drop. Recruiters care about who you are—not who you know and not your clout. Your accomplishments are fair game—talk about what you've done and what you care about. But if something you're about to say is more about making sure your recruiter knows how connected or important you are, skip it. You'd be surprised how often PNMs say things like:
  
  "I have like 40K followers on TikTok."
  "My dad knows the governor."
  "I got recruited by five other schools before I picked this one."
  "We spend all of our Christmases with Oprah."
  
  Those are all great things, but they aren't things you say to someone you just met. Tacky.
• Curse. It might feel natural to you, but it reads as careless in this context. Even if your recruiter is casual and relaxed, keep your language clean. You're making a first impression and you don't get to control how it lands.
• Lie. Embellishing your field hockey prowess or describing yourself as an aficionado when you went to one art history lecture might seem harmless in the moment—but if the truth comes out, it's not just embarrassing. It's a cut. The real you is enough.

 

 

Body Language and Presence

You're in close conversation with someone you just met so it's smart to be mindful of your body language.

Eye contact. Maintain it naturally—consistent eye contact signals confidence and engagement, but you don't need to stare her down. If you tend to look away when you're thinking, that's fine. Just come back.

Posture. You're usually standing for the whole party. Stand up straight with your shoulders relaxed—think approachable, not at attention. If slouching is your default, be conscious of it. It reads as disinterest even when it's just how you stand.

Hands. You're not allowed to bring anything in with you so you probably won't be holding anything—what to do with your hands? If you naturally gesture when you talk, let that happen—it makes you look animated and engaged. If you don't know what to do with them, keep them relaxed at your sides. Crossing your arms creates distance and clasping in front of you projects defensiveness. Fidgeting with your hair, or picking at your nails signals disinterest.

Facial reactions. Your face is doing as much work as your words. Practice keeping your expression warm and engaged even when the conversation isn't your favorite. Active responses—nodding, smiling when your recruiter shares something she's proud of, reacting visibly to something interesting—are part of good listening. And if something catches you off guard, a neutral expression buys you a second to respond thoughtfully instead of reactively. Watch for the things you might not realize you're doing—zoning out mid-conversation or scanning the room while your recruiter is talking. Both are rude.

Matching energy. Pay attention to your recruiter's tone and pace. If she's upbeat and animated, meet her there. If she's calm and measured, match that instead. This isn't performing—it's making the conversation feel comfortable for both of you. (More on the psychology behind this in our 6 Psychology-Backed Secrets to Stand Out During Sorority Recruitment.)

 

How to Ask Good Questions

Asking questions isn't just polite—it's one of the most effective things you can do in a recruitment conversation. Have you ever heard the expression "it's better to be interested than interesting"? It means people like people who ask questions. The questions you choose reveal what you care about without you having to announce it. If you ask about philanthropy, your recruiter knows it matters to you. If you ask about leadership, she knows you're thinking about how you'd contribute. Your values show up in what you're curious about.

The key to being memorable is asking something specific enough that your recruiter has to think about her answer rather than pull out the same response she's already given five times today. A thoughtful question also makes the conversation feel more like a conversation and less like an interview—which is better for both of you.

We cover specific questions for each round in What to Ask Each Round of Sorority Recruitment. The short version: prepare a few questions, make them genuine, and let them do some of the work of showing who you are.

 

How to Listen

It's easy to spend an entire conversation thinking about what you're going to say next—your next answer, your next question. But recruiters notice when you're listening versus when you're just waiting for your turn to talk. Being fully present in the conversation matters as much as anything you say. When your recruiter shares something—about her experience, her chapter, anything personal—respond to what she said before you move on. "Biochem sounds intense—what made you choose it?" or "Your big sounds amazing—do you two still hang out now that she's graduated?" The formula is simple: reflect back what she just said, then follow up with a question that stays on her topic for another beat.

This approach shows that you're listening. It makes the interaction feel like a conversation instead of two people trading talking points.

Sharing something from your own life is a good thing—it's how you build connection and show who you are. "I love event planning too—I organized a closet swap fundraiser this year" is a great response. Just keep it conversational. If your parallel turns into a five-minute story, you've lost the back-and-forth that makes a conversation feel authentic.

(More on the psychology of listening and connection in 6 Psychology-Backed Secrets to Stand Out During Sorority Recruitment.)

 

Recovering from Awkward Moments

You forget your recruiter's name.

Long days, fast introductions, a lot of faces. It happens. Don't try to get through the whole conversation without using her name—just ask. "I'm sorry—remind me of your name?" Then use it: "Thank you, Sarah—so you were saying you're on exec. What made you want to run?" Asking directly shows more confidence than trying to fake it.

You freeze mid-sentence.

Especially common later in the day when conversations start to blur. If you remember the gist of what you were saying, pause and pick it back up. If your mind goes completely blank, acknowledge it once and turn it back to her: "Sorry—I totally just lost my thought. But I wanted to hear more about what you were saying about [topic]." Redirecting to something she already mentioned keeps the conversation moving without putting pressure on yourself to recover perfectly. Don't over-apologize or try to explain why it happened. These moments feel bigger from your side than they look from hers.

Your recruiter brings up something you're told not to talk about.

A recruiter asks if you go to church, or shares her opinion on DEI-related changes to the curriculum. You know you're supposed to avoid the 5 B's, so how do you answer without making her feel bad? You don't have to match her energy. A neutral answer keeps you safe without making it awkward: "I'm still figuring out what that looks like for me in college" or "I haven't followed that closely enough to have an opinion." You're not being dishonest—you're just not taking the bait. The 5 B's still apply to you even if your recruiter forgets them.

Your recruiter asks something personal she doesn't realize is loaded.

She asks if you have a boyfriend and you're gay. She asks if your parents are excited for parents' weekend and they can't afford it. These questions aren't meant to be invasive—she's just making conversation. Give an answer you're comfortable with and move on. "I'm not seeing anyone right now" or "My family probably won't make it this time" are complete answers. No one is going to push past them.

 

What Not to Say (Beyond the 5 B's)

The 5 B's—Booze, Boys, Bucks, Beliefs, and Ballots—are covered in detail in What Not to Say During Sorority Recruitment: Is It 4 B's or 5 B's? But there are things that can hurt you in recruitment conversations that don't fall under the B's.

Don't talk about other chapters. This is a hard rule—there's no reason to mention another chapter during a recruitment conversation. Don't comment on what happened at another party, don't reference another chapter's decor or vibe, don't repeat something a recruiter at a different house said to you. Even positive comparisons ("Your chapter feels so much more welcoming than...") make it sound like you're ranking in real time. If you want to comment on your overall experience, keep it general: "I'm having a great time meeting so many people this week." And if something wild happened at the last party that you're dying to share—just leave out which chapter it was.

Don't talk about other PNMs. Every minute spent talking about someone else is a minute you're not showing your recruiter what you bring. And if the comment veers into gossip or anything negative, it doesn't reflect well on you.

Don't complain about the process. "This is so long" or "I'm over it" might feel like bonding, but it signals that you'd rather be somewhere else. Keep the energy on why you're here, not what's hard about being here.

 

 

A Note on Pref Round

Everything above applies to the earlier rounds—Open House, Philanthropy, Sisterhood—where conversations are lighter and more introductory. Preference round is different.

Under RFM (Release Figure Methodology)—the system that governs how formal recruitment works—if a chapter invites you to Pref, it's on record that you will be on their bid list. The only question left for Pref round is where you'll fall on their bid list.

Pref looks and feels different from the other rounds. Chapters may incorporate ceremonies or traditions, so the conversation window can be shorter than you'd expect even though you're only talking to one or two people the whole time. The tone is more intimate and more emotional—this is where you want to be genuinely open and present, less about highlighting your accomplishments and more about connection. Tears aren't unusual. If you get emotional, let it happen—no one is going to judge you for it. If other people's tears make you uncomfortable, think about what it means—this chapter matters so much to them that they can't talk about it without getting emotional. That's a good sign. Maybe you'll feel the same way this time next year.

Members will often share their "why" stories—what drew them to the chapter and why they stayed. If something resonates with you, say so. You don't have to carry the conversation—recruiters will guide it, and the topics will come more naturally than in earlier rounds. One good approach: go deeper on something you already brought up in a previous round. For example, maybe you mentioned being on your high school robotics team in an earlier round. In pref, you might share that you were one of the only girls on the team and it made you realize how much you wanted a community of people who actually got you.

While you're there, look around. The other PNMs in the room could be your future new member class. If you accept a bid here, these are the people you'll be spending the next four years with.

And if this chapter is your first choice, say so. Chapters want their top picks to want them back. "This is where I see myself" is a powerful thing to say in pref if you mean it—and recruiters want to hear it.

For specific questions to prepare for each round, including pref, check out What to Ask Each Round of Sorority Recruitment.

 

→ Back to the Sorority Recruitment Guide

 

More sorority advice:
→ 6 Psychology-Backed Secrets to Stand Out During Sorority Recruitment
→ What Not to Say During Sorority Recruitment: Is It 4 B's or 5 B's?
→ What to Ask Each Round of Sorority Recruitment